I was listening to the gratitude episode. I used to be in the Coast Guard and I did search and rescue and I saved hundreds of lives. During this time, and even after I have helped countless animals and people in different situations. Some people seem to not want to help as to where others Seem grateful for the help. One case in particular, I heard two women talking about the fact that they could not afford their co-pay which was $125. I went up and I told the woman at the desk not to tell them who had paid it but I paid for their co-pay. My doctor later on texted me saying that everybody Had started paying for each other‘s co-pays. On the other hand, I had the experience where a person I knew in middle school said that they were gonna have their power shut off because they were behind $725. I am not rich by any means, but I decided to pay this Knowing that I could pay it off. The person knew what I did because I had spoken to them, and then I called their power company. When she said she would pay me back I told her just to take this as a second start and not to worry about it. She thanked me. Not even two months later the same person was in the same place my grandfather was dying. At the time I had Facebook and I asked anybody and everybody that I knew if I could have somebody to talk to because my grandfather was dying and we were really close. I got one response for my friend that lived in Las Vegas and I’ve known her for 30 years. The other person did not respond whatsoever. I didn’t expect anybody to respond, but I was genuinely surprised by the lack of response. What really surprised me was that a month after she had contacted me asking if she could borrow more money. I told her that I did not have the money. She would not tell me what the money was for, but I am assuming that she had dug herself another hole. My question would be. Is there a difference in paying for something anonymously, and the effects that it has on the person versus a person like the one that borrowed money from me. Like I said, I’ve helped a lot of people, some have offered me money and I told them no just pay it forward, please, but I don’t accept money. Doing search and rescue was wonderful, and I had wanted to save lives all of my life and it’s something that I still do to this day when I get a chance. I am the person that stops at any chance to help an animal or a person. Once again, I was wondering what the difference could be in the mindset of the person that started asking for more money?

Question

Huberman Lab · Accepted Answer

Your experiences highlight the complexities of generosity and the varying responses people have to acts of kindness.

1. Anonymous Giving: When you pay for someone’s co-pay anonymously, it can foster a sense of community and encourage others to do the same. It seems to create an atmosphere where generosity becomes reciprocal, as evidenced by your doctor’s observation of people starting to pay for each other’s co-pays.

2. Known Generosity: In contrast, when assistance is known, like in your case with the individual who needed help with their power bill, it might lead to different expectations. Some may feel gratitude, while others might develop a reliance, as seen when that individual later asked for more money.

3. Psychological Impact: The way people respond can depend on their circumstances and mindset. Those who are in a more vulnerable position may feel pressure to reciprocate or could become dependent on help rather than finding ways to improve their situation.

4. Social Dynamics: Your experiences reflect broader social dynamics where acts of kindness can lead to a sense of obligation or expectation in interpersonal relationships. The lack of responses during your time of need can also illustrate how some people may take help for granted or may not prioritize responding in times of emotional need.

Overall, the mindset of individuals can significantly affect how they perceive and respond to generosity, with various factors including their own life circumstances, emotional state, and prior experiences playing critical roles.