Hello, can you recommend resources to help my husband and me? He (48y) has Avoidant Attachment. I (54y) have Anxious Attachment. We have been married for 20 years. Listening to your discussion with Dr Schore I understand our marriage will not improve until he and I can form Secure Attachment with each other. To date we have been to couples counseling for several months at a stretch on 3 occasions. I have been in individual counseling. He refuses individual counseling. Can you recommend books, workbooks or specific counseling philosophies to help us become attached to each other. My specific ask is options he and I would do together. I cannot improve our marriage on my own. Sincerely, thank you

To address attachment styles in relationships, particularly in moving from avoidant and anxious attachment towards secure attachment, there are some resources and insights from the Huberman Lab you might find useful:

1. Book Recommendation: The book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love" is recommended by Andrew Huberman. It provides a thorough understanding of attachment styles and practical tools to develop and maintain secure attachments, making it a valuable resource for individuals and couples looking to improve their relational dynamics 1.

2. Understanding Emotional Dynamics: In discussions with Allan Schore, it's emphasized that attachment dynamics are deeply linked to early life experiences and can manifest in relationships through patterns of emotional engagement and disengagement. Therapy focusing on emotional regulation and understanding can be particularly effective. This involves recognizing implicit emotional responses and working towards secure attachment by enhancing right-brain emotional connectivity 2.

3. Therapeutic Approaches: Effective therapy, according to Dr. Schore, requires a focus on regulation and establishing a therapeutic relationship that fosters safety and trust. Even though your husband is resistant to individual therapy, couples therapy that emphasizes these elements might still be beneficial. It's important for therapists to adapt to different attachment styles, recognizing and managing them to promote healing and connection 3.

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     Secure Attachment Insights

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     2

     Emotional Dynamics Explained

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     Therapeutic Relationships

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These insights suggest that a combined approach involving self-education through relevant literature and targeted therapy focusing on emotional regulation and attachment can be beneficial. Working together with a therapist who understands these dynamics might also help you both in forming a secure attachment.