How to Shape Your Identity & Goals | Dr. Maya Shankar

Kids learn identity from what they see and what others project onto them. Maya explains identity foreclosure — when roles are imposed early and limit imagination. That can cause identity paralysis later when the role disappears.

Be curious: ask who you want to be, not just what you want to do.

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Shame is the feeling, I am bad, right?

— Maya Shankar

Awe opens your mind; delight points to where you can belong. Maya and Andrew describe moments (Beethoven, NYC, animals) that felt vast and actionable — not just passive amazement.

Find the underlying throughline (e.g., Maya: emotional connection) that links different passions across life.

— Maya Shankar

At 15 Maya tore a tendon and lost the violin identity. She felt lost, then discovered pop-science (Steven Pinker) and curiosity seeded a new path into cognitive science.

Key move: ask am I curious enough to learn more? That tiny test can spark a new durable identity.

Small wording shifts change behavior. Approach vs. avoidance matters:

• Approach: I want to eat healthier → pride on success.
• Avoid: I want to avoid unhealthy food → relief on success.

Maya: one-word changes at the VA (eligible → earned) raised uptake 9%.

— Maya Shankar

People work harder when they own goals. Let coaches offer options; you pick the target.

Tips:

1. Set goals when you're in the same state you'll perform.
2. Build slack (3 "get-out" cards).
3. Use fresh-start moments (new job, Monday, new month).

Agency fuels motivation.

Motivation dips in the middle of any goal. Maya recommends:

• Shorten goal duration (weekly vs yearly).
• Temptation bundling: pair unpleasant tasks with immediate rewards (podcast, music).
• Use the peak-end rule: finish with a slightly easier end so memory favors returning.

Simple, evidence-backed hacks to stay consistent.